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Expert Advice From
Lynne Santiago
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Lynne Santiago MS, LMHC

Have A Question For Lynne? Send our experts a note and we will be glad to assist you in anyway! Ask Us Here >

Q. ME and my boyfriend have been dating for four years. At first the sex was great, but like in all rel ... Read More »
Q. Hi Lynn, i get so jealous of my boyfriends porno. I feel like he spends all of this time finding the ... Read More »
Q. Lynn, My husband and I have been married for 7 years and when we first started having sex I didn't e ... Read More »
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Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. Im 21 and he is 20 When we started dati ... Read More »
Q. I don't know if you'd be able to answer my question. It took me while to realize from my past sexual ... Read More »
Q. I have been married to same man for 27 yrs. i love him but we haven't had sex in the last 3 and half ... Read More »
Q. Hello my question is, When my boyfriend and I first met our sex life was amazing some times we do it ... Read More »
Q. Am 24 and have not had sex in more than 10 year.I decided to wait for the right partner. Recently I ... Read More »
Q. Hi! Sex with my wife has become nonexistent. Mainly my fault. I have become tired of satisfying her, ... Read More »
Q. Dear Lynne, I'm not sure if you could answer this but.. when my boyfriend and i have sex a very l ... Read More »
Q. Hi Lynne, First I am 47 years old and my husband is 45. We have been married almost 2 years and l ... Read More »
Q. Dear Lynne, I have never had an orgasm and can't figure out why. What does it feel like? Do you a ... Read More »
Q. Dear Lynne, For as long as I remember, I've never ejaculated while having vaginal intercourse. I' ... Read More »
Q. I'm 21 and I have a small penis. It's about 4 inches long when hard. I'm scared to have sex because ... Read More »
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Q. What is the correct way to perform cunnilingus? Or is there a basic technique that needs customizing ... Read More »
Q. I have been with this girl for about six months. We have a decent sexual relationship but I think we ... Read More »
Q. Lynne, ok, so i have heard many different things about having sex while on your period!! My question ... Read More »
Q. Hi, I just have a few questions I was wondering if I could get some feed back on. I heard that if yo ... Read More »
Q. My husband (age 50) died 2 yrs ago in October. We were married nearly 30 years. I was hoping that my ... Read More »
Q. Dear Lynne, At 55 (me) and 52, my wife & I still enjoy sex, but she gets a urinary infection eve ... Read More »
Q. Q. I’m having an embarrassing problem. My Vagina seems to get dry during intercourse, and it becomes ... Read More »
Q. My boyfriend disapproves using a vibrator. Is it bad to use it at all? ~ N.B. ... Read More »
Q. I have discovered that my clitoris has gotten smaller or shrinking. Have you ever heard of such a th ... Read More »
Q. I have been with this girl for about six months. We have a decent sexual relationship but I think we ... Read More »
Q. How normal is it to be attracted to or fantasize about other people? ... Read More »
Q. Is there any advice on how to get over a sex addition or a way to convince my husband that he has a ... Read More »
Q. Does a man's & woman's pheromone need to match to become excited by each other or is it just the sme ... Read More »
Q. Hello Lynn, I have been married for seven years and my husband is in the military and recently retur ... Read More »
Q. My fiancé and I have been together for 8 1/2 years. When we started to have sex, every time we did i ... Read More »

Reclaiming Desire - Find your Lost Libido

    Posted by Jennifer Amato on 01/23/2007

Here are some simple ways you can find your lost libido
If you want to reconnect with the physical side of your sexuality, your first step is to define what is sensual for you. This involves becoming aware of your most subtle sexual thoughts and feelings. Many of our clients say that their lives are too hectic to pay attention to such subtleties. The fact is, the chaotic pace of their daily routines probably has contributed to the depletion of their sex drives in the first place.

Once you tune in to your sensuality, you probably will find that you've maintained more of it than you give yourself credit for. Contrary to how you may feel at this moment, you are not asexual. You simply need to reawaken that part of you. Bringing back your sensuality will require effort, but it also can be fun.

Here are some exercises that can be powerful, though they may seem relatively innocuous. We know that you may be tempted to skip over them in search of more potent solutions to your low libido.

You probably have been moving so quickly through your life that you are missing out on the more delicate aspects of your sexuality. And you must reacquaint yourself with these subtleties in order to rediscover and revitalize your sexual desire. We invite you to relax and take pleasure in this process. It involves the type of homework that you actually can enjoy completing!

Try to approach the following exercises with an attitude of curiosity and openness to learning new things about yourself. As human beings, we are constantly growing and changing. Our sexual selves are no different. And you've been out of touch with yours for a while.

Wash Away Inhibitions
A wonderful way to ease into the process of becoming reacquainted with pleasurable bodily sensations is to take a warm bath. Be sure to have massage oils and a soft washcloth or sponge available. You may choose to light some candles or play music to enhance your sensual experience. Take the phone off the hook and let others know that you are not to be disturbed. Expect to spend at least 30 minutes with yourself. You're going to use this time for relaxation and exploration.

Familiarize yourself with what your body responds to and how it likes to be touched. Move slowly and deliberately from one body part to the next, massaging your throat, breasts, underarms, inner elbows, belly, inner thighs, buttocks, back of your knees, and feet. Notice when you start to lose interest in what you're doing. What is going on that leads you to dissociate from this experience? Can you make any connections between this experience and your tendency to shut down when you are with your partner?

Experiment with a variety of touching styles--a light, feathery caress; a deep, slow rub; a quick circular motion; or whatever else comes to mind. Which is sexiest to you? Massage oil onto your skin. How does this change the experience for you? Pour water over various body parts, or if you have a shower massager, experiment with different water pressures against your skin. Which feels best to you?

As you perform this exercise, pay attention to what makes you feel sexy and what methods of stimulation spark your sexual energy. See how deeply you can relax and let go.

Stock Up for Sensual Indulgence
Now that you've gotten a taste of the sort of self-exploration that you'll be doing, you're ready to move on to your next assignment. It involves an activity that many women enjoy: shopping!

First, take a trip to a lingerie shop. Once you are comfortable, choose a few sexy things to try on. You may be attracted to a particular style, or perhaps a color or type of fabric. Find something that feels sensual when you wear it. This is not for anyone's eyes but yours. If you later decide to share your selection with your partner, that's fine. But right now, you are pleasing only yourself. Try to purchase at least one item that challenges your impression of yourself sexually. That is, get a little crazy!

Next on the agenda is a trip to the grocery store. Your task is to identify at least four or five foods that feel sensual when you eat them. As with your choice of lingerie, your selections need to appeal only to you. Look for foods that have an alluring appearance, a seductive taste, or an erotic consistency. Imagine what you will feel as you eat them. Perhaps you derive the most sensual pleasure from sweet, juicy seasonal fruits such as cherries, strawberries, and peaches. Chocolate always is a favorite, as is ice cream. Wine and cheese definitely can create a seductive, sexy mood. Or maybe a steak on the rare side does it for you. Have fun and a sense of humor when filling your basket.

Finally, you'll want to visit your local bookstore. There you will find a selection of erotic literature. Yes, you are in search of pornography. The civilized folks at the store probably label it "erotica"; they have shelves and shelves of it. Your task is to locate this section and choose something wonderful from it.

Among my clients, the books with short stories written by women for women seem to be especially popular. Try not to be concerned about what the people at the checkout will think of your purchase. They probably have discovered this tantalizing reading for themselves!

Once you've stocked up on the necessary supplies, schedule an evening alone at a time when you won't be interrupted. Make the final preparations for your own seduction. Consider what music you want to hear. Are scented candles in order? Indulge in whatever will enhance your efforts to feel sexually alive.

You may want to begin your evening with a warm bath or relaxation exercise to help distance yourself from the day's events. Then combine your lingerie, food, and erotica in ways that please you. Be slow and passionate about it. Your goal is to make yourself feel good. Savor your sexiness. Welcome this part of you back into your life.

SOURCE: Andrew Goldstein, M.D., and Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., Prevention.com

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