An article by Dr. Omar Minwalla from PlanetOut on cognitive distortions.
Things are really heating up with the smokin' hot stud you picked up at the bar. He's driven you home in his Land Rover; you're pulling off his muscle-T as he's kicking off his sports sandals. Then you remember you forgot to buy condoms. No worries -- he's young, totally buffed, obviously well off (and well endowed!), and besides, his skin is flawless. You know you've got nothing to worry about. In the mental health profession, we refer to this type of thinking as cognitive distortion.
Cognitive distortions, aka "twisted thinking" or "thinking errors," are the ways we manipulate our thinking and our true understanding of reality to justify, rationalize or otherwise support our decision-making. This is typically done when trying to legitimize something your head knows isn't right. We often tend to distort our thinking when we experience some conflict between our values and our desires. While cognitive distortions happen all the time in many areas of our lives, the sexual realm is certainly no exception.
"I bareback because . . . " Probably one of the most common areas where cognitive distortions appear among gay men is when it comes to making decisions around condom use. Many guys will twist their thinking to minimize or deny their risky behavior so they can make themselves feel more comfortable or "safe"; essentially giving themselves permission to bareback.
A common example of distorted thinking that leads to barebacking is making assumptions about the guy not speaking up about HIV status. For example, many guys will tell themselves, "If he's about to get fucked and says nothing, I can assume he's positive." On the other hand, there are guys who are telling themselves, "If he's about to fuck me and says nothing, I can assume he's negative."
Some guys give themselves the green light to bareback by telling themselves, "If he was HIV-positive, he would tell me, so I can assume he's HIV-negative." Others think, "If he was negative, he would tell me, so I can assume he's positive."
Of course, all of these are errors in thinking. The reality is that just because a guy doesn't speak up and communicate his HIV status does not indicate his actual status.
Other reasons for barebacking are often based on unrelated characteristics or situations. For example, "He is a total top, so he must be negative, and I can go ahead and safely bareback." Other distortions include "He's too young to have HIV" or "I didn't need to use a condom, because he was married or straight." Or how about "Because he is in a bathhouse or sex club, he must be positive (already)."
Again, most of us know these ideas are not based in reality, but rather are self-justifications in the heat of the moment. Clearly, someone's age, ethnicity, being a total top or bottom or the place you are having sex does not indicate the guy's actual status. Remember, distorted thinking to justify barebacking is different from reality-based decisions to bareback.
"I'm not really cheating because. . ." It's common to find twisted thinking being used to justify cheating behaviors that are clearly not reality-based. Take the "monogamous" boyfriend who tells himself that having sex with an escort or hustler is not really cheating because escorts aren't "real people."
Another distortion may be the idea that, "Because it is online or a cyber relationship, it doesn't count and means nothing." While this may be OK for some couples, for others the truth is the other partner would be hurt or feel violated if they knew about their partner chatting away with another guy. The reality is intimacy and sexuality can be expressed online and meaningful connections can and do develop -- even if they are "only cyber."
Have you ever heard "It's OK to cheat because gay men can't be monogamous"? The reality is there are gay men who are and can be monogamous. Yet another common self-justification around the issue of monogamy is "It doesn't really count or doesn't mean anything because it only happened once or only happens infrequently." These are all ways of using twisted thinking to give the green light to cheat on a partner.
The point here is we sometimes distort our thinking in order to make choices we feel conflicted about. The more aware you become of your self-justifications and the ways you twist your thoughts, the more control you possess of your behavior. Making a list of your distortions and then the reality-based thoughts that go with each one can be a simple way to really identify, and become more aware of, how you manipulate yourself into behavior you would rather not be doing. If you recognize your twisted thinking as you are doing it, you'll be better able to stop it so you won't end up asking yourself later, "What the hell was I thinking?"
What cognitive distortions, or twisted thinking, do you use when it comes to sex?
Dr. Omar Minwalla is a clinical sexologist, licensed psychologist and clinical director of the Sexual Recovery Institute. He specializes in sex addiction, sexual offending, transgender issues, sexual orientation, BDSM and paraphilic sexuality. In addition to his work at the institute, he has a private practice and conducts sexual health seminars for m
SOURCE: Dr. Omar Minwalla, planetout.com
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