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Q. Hi Lynn, i get so jealous of my boyfriends porno. I feel like he spends all of this time finding the most gorgeous women with tiptop bodies to watch. It makes me feel less than perfect even though I know I too am gorgeous with a pretty beautiful body. It always makes me angry and seemingly ready to leave him when i think he's been doing it - despite our good relationship which is pretty beautiful! I dont know what to do except I know l'm buying a vibrator because I always had one before I was with him. I mentioned it and he seemed rather irritated and it seemed to hurt his feelings. Part of me says "HAH" inadequacey all around - but that is hateful and not fun at all. I plan on buying a small sized vibrator so he doesn't feel so bothered. Is there a way for me to create a better attitude towards his enjoyment of porno? The vibrator is a start but i dont want to be angry about this anymore if thats at all possible! I'm not sure what comes over me. Thanks sooo much.

Hi, “J”—

I must admit, I’m a bit confused. It seems as if you have decided to buy a vibrator, not for your own pleasure, but rather as a way to get back at your boyfriend. And as you mentioned, it did perturb him a bit. You are right—it doesn’t necessarily feel good when our intentions are mean spirited.

There are some men who use porn like a drug. It can become addictive. Often these men are suffering from depression or have difficulties coping with their feelings. The charge they get from viewing porn can be a form of self-medication to soothe or distract him from what is going on in his real world. Of course, I can not say for certain that is the case with your boyfriend, but if he is spending all his time, as you say, searching for the most gorgeous women, sex addiction is a possibility.

With that said, as hard as this may be to understand, his viewing the porn has nothing to do with you. I know. It feels very personal. And it can be very damaging to a women’s sense of self worth and even her sexuality if she believes that the man of her life prefers unattainable fantasy women over her. But, if he is sexually addicted then you must realize that it is not your fault and it has nothing to do with your body or your love-making skills.

I recommend that you try to have a heart to heart talk with your boyfriend. Tell him you are concerned about the amount of time he is viewing porn and that your needs for emotional intimacy are not being meet. Let him know that his behaviors are putting the relationship at risk. Buy the book “Out of the Shadows”, by Patrick Carnes, PhD—read it then give it to your boyfriend. After that, you need to step back. You have no control over his behaviors and will only drive yourself mad trying to get him to change. Know that you did the best you can in trying to express to him your feelings and needs. If he is unable to listen then it may be time for you to move on.