SpicyGear Blog - Sex Education Articles From The Spicy Girls at SpicyGear.com

Q. Lynn, My husband and I have been married for 7 years and when we first started having sex I didn't even know that a women could even "get off" or in other terms, have an orgasm but it would only happen once in a blue moon. Now when we have sex it's like I can't ever get off. What is the deal? My husband thinks that it's him but, I enjoy having sex whether I get off or not. But is there a reason why I'm not having an orgasm?

Many women feel the same as you do about enjoying sex even if she doesn’t orgasm. Women enjoy the intimacy--the sense of closeness and connection.

Orgasms are great but not always necessary to take pleasure in the experience. Men don’t get that too easily. They think it’s their job to “get you off” and if you don’t then they failed in some way. Sex becomes stressful. He feels pressure to get you to orgasm and you feel pressure to make him happy by having an orgasm. Trouble with this is that stress, pressure, and anxieties will only make having an orgasm less likely and it dampens the whole sexual encounter. Something that is supposed to be fun and specia,l shared between the two of you, becomes disappointing.

Now for your question “Is there any reason why I’m not having an orgasm?” There can be many reasons for this but first let me tell you that a good 24% - 29% of healthy women experience some difficulties with orgasm and research puts it at about 30% of women do not orgasm in all sexual encounters. There are some medical conditions that can make orgasm difficult such as diabetes and hypertension. Medications for hypertension and depression can also be a culprit. Some times there are non medical issues that can get in the way, such as a history of sexual trauma and abuse, lack of emotional intimacy in the partnership, and childhood rearing that was very religious and/or restrictive. But even more likely it is just inexperience and the need to hone your sexual skills. You can do this by purchasing (a watching alone or with your husband) a DVD that focuses on teaching sexual techniques. Spicygear.com offers some titles such as “An Erotic Guide to Better Orgasms”. I also suggest the Better Sex Video Series “Sexplorations” which you can purchase through the internet as well.

In addition, I highly recommend the book “For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Garfield Barbach. It was originally written in the 70’s but there is a new, updated edition. It contains exercises that you can use to help you discover your body, become comfortable with erotic sensations, as well as help you experience orgasm.