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Q. Hello my question is, When my boyfriend and I first met our sex life was amazing some times we do it several times in one night and we both would reach an orgasm each time. but lately for the last month or so I am lucky if i can get to touch me once a week and then we do it seems he reaches an orgasm and me left wanting more. I have tried different things to enhance our sex life talking, toys. I even tried videos but he says he is not really into them how can I get his or our passion for one another back on course.

Hi Nancy.

As often happens when I read questions, I’m left with more questions than answers. In your case, I wonder about how long you and your boyfriend have been together and I wonder about the quality of other important factors in your relationship. It is very common for the frequency of sexual encounters to decrease as the time in the relationship increases. In the early part of a relationship, often referred to as the “limerance stage”, sex can be very frequent. As you mention, several times a day!! This is a time when nothing else seems to exist but the new lover. There’s an intoxication or “high” in being together. There are biological factors involved here. Certain hormones are following at above normal levels. Researchers find this stage to last anywhere between 12 and 24 months. As enjoyable and blissful as this stage may be, it is a good thing that it begins to fade because life has to go on! Jobs require attention, bills need to be paid, houses need cleaning, family/friend (sometimes to include children) need attending to. I think you get my point. In relationships that survive beyond this point, sex normally decreases to 1-3 times a week—even in relationships where sex was as frequent as several times a day.

Now I don’t know if this is what is going on in your relationship, because you don’t mention how long you’ve been together. This rings me to the other question I have. How is the quality of other important factors in your relationship? Often times, and especially when sex starts early in the relationship, you spend more time enjoying the sex and less time nurturing other things that are important for a long term relationship to survive.

I have some questions for you to consider. How well do you communicate? How deep is the level of emotional intimacy—the ability and willingness for you both to expose your vulnerable sides of your Self to one another? Are there conflicts or very wide differences in your perspectives about life, finances, religion, family, etc? Do you argue often? Is your boyfriend under a lot of stress related to work, finances, family? Any problems in these areas can ultimately affect the quality of the sexual relationship.

I encourage you to try to open communication with your boyfriend about your concerns and talk about not only the sex but about these other issues.