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Q. Hi Lynne,

First I am 47 years old and my husband is 45. We have been married almost 2 years and last July he had a heart attack. Well,he has recovered from that but our sex life has went down the toilet. He isn't interested in sex at all. I may be 47 but I am still sexually active. My husband won't do a thing to change. I mean talk to his doctor. I tell him I want him and I have loved on him and it doesn't phase him. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. This is getting so bad that my feelings for him are starting to change. He don't seem to care or he would seek help. Please give me some advice.
Thank you. ~ Sheila

Hello, Shelia. What a devastating thing to happen while still in the ‘honeymoon’ stage of your marriage! There are several things that come to mind that may explain your husband’s lack of desire for sex.

The first thing to consider is the psychological effects of such a life threatening event. Though he may have recovered physically, he may have a ways to go to resolve the emotional effects. Studies have found that one third of men recovering from a first myocardial infarction still show signs of substantial depression three years later! Another study found that 20% had still not achieved emotional adjustment five years later. Depression is linked strongly to the lack of desire for sex.

Secondly, fear and anxiety can be affecting him. Many men report having the fear that sex will bring on another heart attack. The physical exertion and the experience of feeling ones heart beat rapidly can trigger this fear response. There are physical changes that occur in the body when the fear response is activated. There are also physical changes that occur during the sexual response. Problem is the fear response is much stronger that the sex response, and literally knocks it out! Even Viagra is ineffective in men who experience high levels of anxiety about sex.

The last thing that comes to mind is the effects of medication. Many medications effect sexual desire and sexual functioning. For example, medications for hypertension are known to greatly decrease sexual desire.

It would be best for your husband to talk to his doctor. Together they can examine whether he is experiencing depression. Many men don’t realize they are depressed, others don’t like to admit it. They view it as a sign of weakness. A discussion with a medical doctor may relieve your husband of this, help him see that it is a fairly normal thing given his recent experiences, and provide him information on how to better adjust. Also, a discussion with the doctor can dissolve any fears he may be having about whether it is safe to have sex. Lastly, the doctor can review any medications and possibly make adjustments to improve sexual functioning.

As for getting your needs meet for sensual and sexual intimacy, I think it is important for you to communicate openly about your needs in an assertive, yet non-angry way. Suggest to your husband that you spend time together, agreeing not to have sex, but to be intimate through sensual touch and message. Agreeing not to have sex can help relieve any pressure or fears he may be having. Spicygear offers a DVD titled Tantric Message that would be perfect in helping you reconnect to the sensual side of sexuality and rebuild your sexual relationship.