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The clinical term for the problem you describe is Male Orgasmic Disorder, also know as inhibited ejaculation, impaired ejaculation and delayed ejaculation. Because you say you are able to ejaculate when self-pleasuring, it can be assumed that medical and/or physiological causes are not at play.

There are many theories as to the psychological causes of inhibited ejaculation. Common themes include fears of pregnancy and of commitment. If the relationship is troubled and control issues exist outside of the bedroom, inhibited ejaculation can be a “holding back” –a way of regaining control between the sheets. Other things, such as strict religious beliefs and performance anxiety can be an obstacle.

What I have seen as the most common factor is inadequate stimulation and not enough ‘core-play’. No, I didn’t mean ‘fore-play’. Fore-play implies that it is something you do before the good stuff. Core-play is the good stuff!!! So much emphasis is placed on penetration and orgasm that some couples rush through the core-play and don’t get enough stimulation and arousal. Also, if you are overly concerned with pleasuring your partner you may become too distracted from your own sensations and loss excitement.

What I recommend is that you slow down a bit. Agree with your wife to take some time off from intercourse and even self-pleasuring for a while (2-4 weeks). Then spend time together enhancing your core-play skills. Sensual messages, playful touching and stroking, oral stimulation, and very importantly, communicating about what you like sexually and how you like to be touched. If this doesn’t help, please consider consulting with a sex therapist.