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If you're one of the 500,000 (half a million!) people traveling to San Francisco for this year's Pride Parade, before you pack your one suitcase of sweaters and hot pants (you'll need both) and your five suitcases of sex toys, think about the TSA for a minute. (Ugh, not like that.) Sure, uniforms are hot, and some of you may have those nonconsensual cavity-search fantasies rarin' to go, but save your fetishes for Pink Saturday and pack your sex toys with care. Otherwise, be prepared to have your expensive toy collection ripped apart by security dogs and your favorite dick detonated by the feds. Imagine arriving and having to explain, "Honey, they blew up the Ballsy Jeff Stryker 10-inch."

The TSA flight guidelines apply to the sexual traveler more than ever. And it's not just the pocketbook pain of losing high-priced lube that could be a concern; not everyone wants a Spinal Tap moment going through the security line. If you pack a sex toy in your carry-on or on your person, be prepared to explain it to unsympathetic security officials who may not know the difference between "packing" and packing, and in front of a crowd of your fellow passengers. Or to demonstrate your Hello Kitty USB vibrating clit-hugger for interested, embarrassed or intrigued TSA employees. And be sure to take the batteries out of your toys before stashing them in your checked baggage, unless you want to have a real problem -- but you likely won't be treated as horribly as 36-year-old Renee Koutsouradis.

Five years ago, Koutsouradis was seated next to her husband at the Dallas airport when she was paged over the intercom. The baggage handlers had noticed that one of her checked suitcases was making a strange sound -- it was vibrating. She met with Delta personnel on the tarmac (in view of many fellow passengers) and explained that the noise was from a vibrator in which she'd unwittingly left the batteries, a sex toy Renee and her husband had picked up during their vacation to Las Vegas. The airline personnel had Renee hold the vibrator up for everyone to see, as Delta employees laughed and made sexually harassing comments such as, "Doesn't your husband satisfy you?" while passengers and employees watched. Renee brought suit against Delta for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

The kind of humiliation Renee endured is thankfully rare, but every sexual traveler can potentially be the victim of minor ordeals and tense moments. Sex toys scanned by X-ray machines get removed from bags for examination. Metal detectors pick up piercings in private areas, and their owners are subjected to extended searches. And if your gender does not appear to match the gender identity on your driver's license or passport, you may be in for a long delay -- or worse. The simple answer to these problems would be to travel sans sex toys or to change how you dress or appear for travel. But what if you're going on a long trip, having a wild weekend or can't (or don't want to) change who you really are?

Make your self-assurance the first thing you pack. It's reasonable -- and expected -- that airlines will be alert for questionable items. But as Good Vibrations' staff sexologist Dr. Carol Queen states, "It is highly inappropriate, and potentially an act of sexual harassment, for an airline staffer to make a public issue of finding an intimate object in a customer's bag." What if it were a pack of tampons they were examining? You have just as much right to have a dildo in your luggage as you do any personal-care item; it is not dangerous, and it is improper for anyone to make it public. Remember that airport and airline personnel are engaging in harassment should they humiliate anyone regarding sexual matters -- be it for condoms, hygiene products or a strap-on harness in your baggage.

The Sexual Traveler's Guidelines

Use common sense. Don't put sex toys in your carry-on baggage unless you absolutely have to. Remember that if they're confiscating toenail clippers and eyebrow tweezers, they're definitely not letting you bring the fuzzy handcuffs, tit clamps, leather flogger or unusually shaped vibrator on the plane. Don't put anything in your carry-on you aren't willing to part with if security decides it's potentially dangerous. Even if you believe their decision is uninformed, you won't be in any position to argue if you want to make your flight.

Bag your toys. Even if they're not liquid, you'll want to put each toy in a Ziploc bag (does the TSA have a Ziploc fetish or stock in the company?), even if you pack it in your checked luggage. If they single you out in the security line to have your bag pawed through and contents examined, you won't want those filthy gloves of theirs touching anything of yours destined for an intimate area -- not after they've been touching everyone else's shoes, child toys, hairbrushes, laptops and more. Ew. Don't forget to bag your checked butt plugs as well -- if your bag gets spot-checked and opened, another pair of dirty gloves will be all over your plugs, and that's just gross.

Their rules don't make sense, but they still apply. Yup, I'm talking about the 3-ounce liquid rule for lubes (just pack the lube, or toss a 1-ounce lube sample in your laptop bag). Interestingly, the TSA doesn't consider gel-filled bras to be dangerous liquids, and they are permitted, no matter how big your "lethal weapons" are. Even if the bottle of Liquid Silk is half full (or half empty), it still isn't permitted if the container size exceeds 3 ounces. Also, remember that the TSA makes inconsistent, on-the-spot decisions that could consider your key-chain clamps as dangerous as toenail clippers. And kinksters beware: Bringing that e-stim unit on the plane just isn't going to happen (your cattle prod must be checked). The fun and games will have to wait until you get your bags.

Remove the batteries from all battery-operated devices -- even if you think they're difficult to turn on. The new push-button pulsing vibes are especially easy to accidentally turn on, and tiny toys powered by watch batteries (like the Fukuoku) are easy to forget about. Even if a vibe doesn't buzz in your bag, if it accidentally starts, it can get hot enough after a while to cause problems. Also, if you bring your vibe in your carry-on, remember that security X-ray personnel might decide the mechanical parts look interesting enough on the X-ray screen that they need to take a closer look. You'll be very glad you bagged your toy when they pull your vibe out by the corner of its Ziploc and hold it up like a dead rat caught by its tail for all to see.

Pack your dicks with care. Dildos are less of a problem because they're generally made of silicone or jelly rubber and have no mechanical parts. Dildos made of glass or porcelain will require special packaging concerns -- wrap them well in soft cloth. Metal dildos will definitely go in your checked luggage. Strap-on harnesses usually have metal buckles or D-rings, and "packing" or wearing a harness with metal fixtures through any security line is not recommended. However, if you have a hot scene planned for the minute you get off the plane, you can wear a fabric or neoprene harness under your clothes, though travel might be more comfortable if you carry on the harness and change in the plane's lavatory before landing. Stow harnesses with metal in your check-in luggage, along with any and all S-M toys. Harnesses and kinky gear aren't cheap, and it would be a tragedy to come all the way from Indiana for the pre-Pride human pony tea party (or -- gasp! -- pulling the Pride pony cart) without your bridle. Replacing your S-M and fetish gear is expensive, while being the prettiest pony at Pride: priceless.

Piercings can be a pain. Traveling with piercings has proved so bothersome for some folks I interviewed that when traveling they just remove their piercings and pack 'em away with their socks and pasties. That's one option -- but if you can't or don't want to remove your piercings, you have a couple of possibilities. Some piercings won't set off metal detectors, but large or multiple ones might. Stainless-steel, titanium and gold piercings are in the low-risk category. Be prepared for uninformed security personnel to single you out and possibly search you completely. Be calm and explain that you have genital or nipple piercings. Prepare yourself for your trip by carrying a drawing or photograph of your piercing to show security, but remember that on heightened alert the security personnel will likely need to see it for themselves -- in which case they will assign a same-sex officer to take a look. The security team is justifiably trying to ensure the safety of your fellow passengers, but if you feel they behave inappropriately, complain loudly and state clearly that they are doing so -- making a private issue public may protect you.

Be prepared to defend your gender. Traveling when you do not appear as the gender on your identification is much trickier than remembering to take the batteries out of your vibrator. Especially in the shadow of the Patriot Act, transsexuals, FTMs and MTFs in transition, cross-dressers, butch dykes who appear masculine and people who simply don't look one obvious gender or another all face issues of proving their identity when getting on a plane. If your driver's license says "F" and you look like an "M," you may some explaining to do. With the Patriot Act, when they run your license at the airport, it automatically links to all other federal databases, and if there are any discrepancies, again you'll have some explaining to do -- and a possible delay.

Explaining your situation isn't always easy. You will be pulled aside and questioned, and it's wise to think through what you'll want to say before you go to the airport so you can remain calm. Your sailing will be the smoothest if you do everything you can to travel with the correct information. If you're lucky enough to encounter understanding security guards, that will help, too. Some airports have security personnel who have undergone sensitivity training (hope for this!), and even if they haven't, they will eventually accept your situation. People in transition from one gender to another will want to travel with a letter from their therapist explaining that they are in transition, and they should be sure to have contact information for the therapist on the letters in case the security personnel are required to cross-check.

Be aware of the customs and social mores of the place you are traveling to. In Texas, they won't look kindly at a suitcase full of vibrators (possessing more than three is currently illegal in that state). In some countries, appearing as a different gender than that on your ID can be met with confusion, suspicion or worse. Carry the phone number for your country's embassy or consulate on you at all times. While you still may have to pray for sensitivity training for our American diplomatic staff, some embassies (such as Thailand, Brazil and the Philippines) are aware and understanding toward gender issues.

In San Francisco, of course, we've got your sparkly pink welcome mat right here. And if you lose your lube, we'll have you covered. Literally.

SOURCE: Violet Blue, Special to SF Gate, SFGate.com