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How normal is it to be attracted to or fantasize about other people?

Posted by Jennifer Amato on 01/22/2008 in Lynne's Advice Q & A

Bookmark and Share    Tags: sex, relationships, q and a, sex education, sex dreams,

How normal is it to be attracted to or fantasize about other people?

Hi Lynn, I appreciate your answer to these questions very much. I never knew I could ask these questions of anybody, I need to ask you this question I have been wanting to ask a professional about for a long time. When a relationship has been going for over a year or two and sex together begins to become less frequent, how normal is it to be attracted to or fantasizing about other people? I am afraid of the seperation that could happen if my partner and I have less sex. What I mean by this is if we naturally have less sex as life progresses, doesn't our sex drive remain? What takes the place of this intimacy at this time? I am afraid of the idea of my partner visualizing being with someone else and I rarely had these fantasies before but am beginning to get them. I worry about this subject and its affecting my life and my parters. Does it mean that we are seperating as a couple? What will keep us together? I love and need this type of intimacy in my life!!! Is this what love really is?

 

Ah…you do ask some important questions.  It is perfectly normal for that fiery passion to wane after about 18-24 months into an intimate relationship. Limerance is that first, ecstatic-filled stage of a romantic relationship, when you and your partner are obsessed with each other, nothing else matters, and sex is always HOT.  You can experience intense joy along with deep despair. But that stage typically lasts only 18-24 months.  Evolutionary scientists believe that we (humans) are hardwired for this, to insure survival of the species.  Hormones in both males and females are to blame as we are flooded with a mix of oxytocin, adrenaline, noradrenaline and testosterone, which produce that crazy, in love, feeling…making us want to have sex none stop!!!

Once these feelings wane...as they will, naturally, to some extent, then the “work” really begins. Because to stay “in love”, and to have a healthy, emotionally and sexually intimate relationship for the long haul with that one person, you and your partner will need to commit to the stuff of real love—being patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, self-less (in a health manner), interdependent (as opposed to independent or dependent), trusting, honest, and fully committed to COMMUNICATION.  What should grow, in this next stage of your relationship is the emotional intimacy.

Sex in a long term relationship can continue to be great, though not as frequent, with those things I mentioned above and with a willingness to take the time, stretch your comfort zones, and experiment with new things.

As far as the questions regarding fantasies about others…again, completely normal for both men and women. With a strong emotional intimacy in place those fantasies will not be a threat because you will know that your lover sees more in you and desires nothing but to keep your relationship healthy.  Some couples even find ways to bring their fantasies (and not necessarily an actual third party) into the bedroom to heat things up at bit.

 

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