Sexual Compulsivity (Addiction)
Posted by Jennifer Amato on 04/22/2008 in Lynne's Advice Q & A
Tags:
marriage,
relationships,
q and a,
Q.
My fiancé and I have been together for 8 1/2 years. When we started to have sex, every time we did it, he would turn to porn. I thought that it was me; I wasn't good enough, I wasn't satisfying him, I wasn't attractive, etc. Then he stopped, but my jealousy got really bad, and now I find myself in a very bad predicament.
I started accusing him almost everyday that he was cheating on me, and I think that the porn has an underlying effect. He said that he wanted a break from me, because accusing him all these years has torn him apart. He says that he wants to get back with me, but from the moment that he said he wanted a break, he started to watch porn again. I asked him why and he said that he just needed it right now. I asked him what was it about porn that he liked and he said it was the sound and the cum shots on girls faces. While we are apart, we have had sex. He has started to do things to me that he has never done before; anal sex, and cumming on my face. I realize now that I don't mind porn all that much anymore, but I am afraid that it's going to become an all the time thing again, and I NEED the intimacy as well. It seems like he likes the dirty sex all the time. What should I do??
A.
It sounds like your 8 1/2 years with this man has been less than satisfactory for you and perhaps, lacking in emotional intimacy as well as sexual intimacy. There may be two sides to this story.
First, it is possible that your fiancé has a sex addiction. This is a condition in which a person feels compelled to act out in some sexual manner, whether it be to surf porn on the internet, collect and view large amounts of videos or other print porn, see escorts or other sex workers. There are two components to sex addiction--obsession (constantly thinking or fantasizing about sex or about 'acting out') and compulsion (the actual act, viewing porn excessively, for example). This is a difficult addiction to overcome and requires a great deal of motivation on the addict's part. No pleading, begging, threatening, or trying to 'be/do what he wants' can stop this addiction. If your boyfriend is interested in finding out more about sex addiction I would recommend the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes, PhD.
I'd like to add that viewing porn is not necessarily a problem. Many couples incorporate sexually explicit videos and photos into their love making. It can become a problem if the person is spending enormous amounts of time obsessing or complusing, and ignoring potential consequences.
Now, the other side of this story may lie within you. You cannot change your partner. It can be easy to become "codependent" on someone who is not emotionally available. Co-dependency has the same two components as sex addiction--obsession and compulsion. Someone who is codependent is obsessed with the behaviors of another, and are compulsive in their actions to try o change or control their partner. For more information on this, I recommend the book "Co-dependent, No More" by Melody Beattie.
~ Lynne Santiago for SpicyGear.com
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