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My husband died 2 yrs ago in October, I was hoping that my desire for sex went with Him, but lately my dreams have been more erotic.

Posted by Kim Fidi on 12/01/2006 in Lynne's Advice Q & A

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My husband (age 50) died 2 yrs ago in October. We were married nearly 30 years. I was hoping that my desire for sex went with Him, but lately my dreams have been more erotic. I am 50 years old and have been in grief counseling regularly since about a month after he died of multiple causes related to end stage renal failure. I have no desire at this time to begin another relationship. I have multiple health problems myself which require me to be on auxillarly oxygen at 3L/min. My question is "How realistic or healthy is my plan to ignore the sexual part of my being with the hope that it will just "go away with time"? My grief counselor is an extremely qualified, highly-educated and intelligent, caring, Church related professional whom I have much confidence in to help me deal with every aspect of my grief for my husband and for me; yet, I am reluctant and somewhat embarrassed to even bring up the subject of my "missing" sex life with.

What advice do you have for me or good books can you recommend to help me educate myself about all of this?

Thank you, in advance, for reading the world's longest (yet equally sincere) question.

Signed, Troubled in Alabama . {P.S. We had a wonderful mutually satisfying sex-life as our health would allow. We never really lost the Romance}. ~ Deena

Dear Deena,

First, I want to say I am sorry for your loss. It must be incredible difficult to loss someone whom you spent so much of your life with. You ask a very important question and one that speaks deeply about the significance of our sexuality as something special shared with a life partner. As you probably already know, grief is an amassing of many little and big losses that come when a loved one dies. And in the grieving process, we must experience these multiple losses one by one. So is true with the loss of the sexual relationship you had with your husband and the loss of the one way you expressed your sexuality for all those years. It is absolutely natural for you to grieve this. I encourage you to talk to your grief counselor about this because I am sure a well qualified grief counselor will recognize the significance of this loss and be able to support you through the healing.

The fact that you are experiencing erotic dreams and sexual stirrings is also very natural. You are still a living, breathing, human spirit and your sexuality attests to that. Just as your appetite for food and thirst for water did not die with your husband (though may have been temporarily interrupted), your sexual needs remain as well. I recommend reading Gail Sheehy’s “Sex and the Seasoned Woman” because this book talks candidly about the changes life brings, the transitions experienced as we age and the fact that woman do not loss their sexuality, rather it can flourish as we age, becoming more integrated as part of our identity. The book also addresses grief and the loss of a life partner.

Best wishes to you.

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