Hopkinton - Whether you are a fan of Valentines Day, indifferent to it or totally averse to it, it is impossible to miss all of the messages in the media surrounding Valentines Day.  Jewelry stores tout their ads for diamonds, florists advertise specials on roses, candy shops sell boxes and boxes of chocolates, etc…You cannot turn on the television without seeing an ad of an interminably satisfied couple walking into the sunset.  Even retrieving your email messages, you are sent unsolicited advice on how to forever capture the heart of the one you love!

The fantasy of "perfect love" is portrayed sensationally by the media.  With this, the original meaning of the holiday is oftentimes lost.  Valentines Day is supposed to be about romance, love, appreciation and friendship.  It is an opportunity to let our loved ones know how special they are, how much they mean to us and how much they are appreciated.  Sure, chocolate and roses are great, but the most heartfelt thing you can indulge in this February 14th, is to find ways to nurture your relationships.  That may mean spouses, other primary relationships, friends, children, parents, grandparents, siblings and/or other family members.

In this fast-paced, stress-filled world that we live in, it can be very easy to neglect and take for granted these very important relationships.  Why not use Valentines Day as a reminder that we cannot afford to do that.  Relationships require attention if they are to thrive and flourish.  Learning how to nurture and attend to an important relationship is a small and valuable investment that will bear long-term rewards and benefits.

Everyone practices different Valentines Day traditions.  Some ignore the day completely while others are at the other end of the spectrum with lavish gifts and cards.  Regardless of what your own customs are, taking the time to examine your significant relationships is a worthwhile activity to add to your repertoire. 

Think about the relationships that you value.  Are you satisfied with them? Is the person on the other end aware of how you feel? Are they aware of how much you cherish them?  Try thinking of some new and creative ways to express yourself and of letting these people know how you feel.  Aim to use Valentines Day as a "resolution day" for important relationships.  Just as we resolve to do things differently every New Year, how about choosing to do things in your relationship-life differently?

Here are 7 essential "relationship reminders" that you can implement in your relationships beginning today.

Always treat each other respectfully.  Some people lose the ability to speak respectfully to their partner when they are tired or stressed, while others may come from families where they never learned how to speak respectfully to those that they love.  Pay attention to the tone, volume and inflection in your voice as well as to the content when speaking to those that you care about.

Make time to talk to each other and to really listen to each other.  In our chaotic lives, we are often like ships passing in the night and it takes a real effort to find the time to sit and talk.  Try to free up some time for quality conversation, even if it just for five minutes a day, to talk and reconnect.

Practice the art of empathy.  The ability to show empathy to your partner has been shown to be one of the strongest indicators of a healthy relationship.  Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and really understand how he/she may be feeling.  You may not always agree or understand each other’s point of view, but try to listen and feel some compassion.
Spend time together and share some activities.  When life gets busy we often do not spend any quality time doing fun things together. Think of some new and creative ways to share time. Plan activities ahead of time and make sure they really happen!

Practice random acts of thoughtfulness.  Go out of your way to practice thoughtfulness.  Is there something that you can do that would really bring a smile to someone’s face?  Make a list of these ideas and start doing one thing from the list every week.

Be sure to recognize some of the things that the other person does right and express your appreciation.  Most of us are quick to let someone know what they are doing wrong, but often forget to show our appreciation for all the things that the other person is doing right.  Remember to acknowledge your partner and tell him/her why you love them once in awhile.  Pay attention to things that you may take for granted and express them to each other.
Show affection both verbally and physically.  A hug in the morning, a loving pat on the back, a kiss and a hug at night or a spontaneous "I love you" are all important expressions of love and adulation in a relationship.  Be sure to show your feelings to your partner in a variety of ways.  If you feel too tired to give, give anyway, before it is too late and you find your relationship in trouble.

This Valentines Day keep in mind the messages that you want to convey.  Commit to nourishing your relationships and strive to continue doing so throughout the year!!
Abbie Rosenberg is a psychotherapist and advanced psychiatric nurse practitioner in mental health care.  She has a  psychotherapy and pharmacology practice in Hopkinton, MA.

SOURCE:   Abbie Rosenberg, psychotherapist, wickedlocal.com