On the menu: Love potion No. 9 or gourmet sex
Posted by Jennifer Amato on 07/13/2007 in General SexEd Articles
Dr. John Marsden, a British psychologist, reported that dopamine, the drug released by the brain when it's aroused, has similar effects on the body and mind as cocaine or speed.
"Attraction and lust is really like a drug," he says. "It leaves you wanting more." He believes the brain gets "fired up" when it finds someone attractive. The heart pounds three times faster than normal, causing blood to be sent to the cheeks and sexual organs. (This also causes those "butterflies" in your stomach.)
Studies show an active sex life leads to better heart health, a stronger immune system, protection against certain cancers, lower rates of depression and an increased ability to fend off pain. Sexual intercourse burns about 200 calories, which is the equivalent of a vigorous 30-minute run. But wait, before you retire your sneakers.
It's not as quick and easy (as those TV ads would like us to believe) as popping Viagra; chemistry and physical performance are only the beginning.
"A satisfying sexual relationship is the top of the pyramid," says Dr. Michael Stern, a Brookfield psychologist who specializes in couples' therapy. "It has to be built on the foundation of a good, well functioning relationship and for that to work, it's not just about having the biology work."
When couples seek Stern's help for dissatisfaction in sexual relationships and inhibited sexual desire, he tells them sexual responsiveness is a bio-psycho-social phenomenon.
First he recommends that couples rule out any underlying physical or chemical elements caused by aging, stress, fatigue, medications or disease. (Safe sex and contraception also need to be addressed.) More often the cause is psychological and/or sociological problems and most important is looking at the relationship itself.
He explains that throughout our lives we're going through the process of defining ourselves, much like teenagers' process of "individuation," as they define who they are as separate from their parents.
When couples get together they go through a similar process. Starting out enmeshed and joined at the hip, over time it's important for them to develop their own sense of self.
"It's like running a three-legged race," Stern says. "You start out running along with your legs joined -- there's that initial rush and exhilaration connecting and being coordinated in that way, but you really don't want to spend the rest of your life that way. It becomes frustrating because the partner really isn't on the same page anymore.
"So an ongoing satisfying sexual relationship requires a high level of intimacy and that intimacy is around really understanding your partner and being able to communicate very effectively."
Other tips for his clients: spending time together as a couple, sharing some interests and having some common passions (not just in the bedroom) such as outdoor activities, collecting antiques or working your way through the 100 best movies of all times.
"These build up rapport because, he adds, if there's a disconnect there, it's very hard to connect in the bedroom.
"Foreplay starts in the morning." Stern concludes. "I use a concept I call 'gourmet sex'. If you want to have a really good meal, you don't just start at 6 o'clock at night. Instead, you talk about it, you block out some time, you decide what you want, you plan it, you shop for it, you get out your best china, light candles, you enjoy it, you talk about it as it's going on and you talk about it afterwards."
I don't know about you, but I'm making reservations at that restaurant!
SOURCE: Dr. Michael Stern, NewsTimesLive.com
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