Several years ago, a girlfriend of mine told me that she looked forward to playing with her sex toys and watching raunchy porn than having sex with her husband.  They have only been married for one year.  Ok, sound scary?   This is the person that you are going to spend possibly the next fifty years of your life women.  They should be having crazy wild sex.  This was the just the beginning of their married life together. 

“What is going on and how long have you been feeling this way?”  I ask her.  My friend, Ashley, this is not her real name, said that she knew before she got married to him, let’s call him, Jake, that she did not have that sexually chemistry with him.  Jake is an attractive man.  He is very successful, kind, a guy that women would love to be with.  However, when it comes to the ‘Sex’ department, Ashley says it is not exciting.  Then, she told me, “I have never had an orgasm with Jake.  Not once.  I just hoped that things would change once we were married.  He does not understand the concept that not all women can just have an orgasm from having sexual intercourse.  I enjoy oral, being fingered, the good foreplay stuff,” she said.  “But, he does not seem into in, and I am not going to beg him.  So, I just fake that I have an orgasm instead.”  Instead, she had resorted to using sex toys to get herself off.  So, while Jake wasn’t at home, Ashley would get her vibrator out and satisfy herself that way.  She would never cheat on Jake, and had tried to bring up her frustrations up with her husband.  Instead of listening to Ashley, she explained to me that Jake would not take her seriously and could not understand why she was not satisfied.  He then would get on the defensive with her, not realizing that all he had to do was just listen to her needs.  “Maybe something is wrong with you,” Jake would tell her.  After Ashley’s continued dissatisfaction, it took at toll on their overall marriage.  They began to have sex less.  Ashley explained to me that she felt lonely being with Jake and their communication issues and lack of a sex life drove her to leave him after less than two years of marriage.  She knew that she couldn’t spend the rest of her life with someone who was exciting her sexually, and felt more alone being married to him.

Ashley is single, and still hopeful in starting a new life with a new man.  Ashley is a beautiful person, inside and out, a successful career woman, and will definitely find true happiness with the right person.  She said to me, “I may be divorced, and have no man, but I still keep myself satisfied with my vibrators.  I have no shame in admitting that.  I rather play with my Acuvibe every night than live than live a lie for the rest of my life.  I will always love Jake, but it was my mistake in the beginning to think that our sex life was going to miraculously get better just because we were married.  I could not keep faking an orgasm with him.  And, when he started to blame me and make me feel like something was wrong with me for not being satisfied, I knew I could not continue on.”     

It is very important in a marriage to be able to communicate.  If your partner is expressing some concerns, it is important to listen to one another and be able to openly discuss different issues.  A couple should work together to strengthen their relationship.   Be caring and compassionate and do not be quick to be on the defensive and out the blame on your partner.  In this situation, Jake was very quick to blame Ashley for not having an orgasm with him.  He did not even make an effort or show that he really cared about sexually pleasing Ashley.  In the end, their divorce was the result of not effectively communicating and really working together as a couple.