The season of divorce
Posted by Jennifer Amato on 02/04/2008 in General SexEd Articles
Tags:
marriage,
relationships,
Divorce and winter go hand in hand.
Talk about the double winter whammy—the first two months of the new year are the coldest time of the winter and it's also the height of the divorce season.
With the holidays over, reality crashes back into focus and spouses are saying, "There's no way I want to go through another Christmas with that person," says divorce attorney John Wilka.
The winds of change blow families apart.
"It really starts the second full week of January. January is always one of my busiest months."
Cold reality isn't the only contributing factor. Once the bills start coming in it adds another level of stress to an already fractured situation, he says.
Marriage carries many pitfalls but when expectations of the two involved are out of kilter it's a death knell for the relationship.
Once the holidays are over, the family commitments are met, routines come back and there's time to re-evaluate your life.
Deciding on a divorce is usually not a snap decision, says Kathy Lemme, clinical therapist with Family Service Inc. in Sioux Falls. "Often it's something they have planned on doing for quite awhile."
Counseling can save marriages but typically it's too little effort, made too late. Seeking help as a last ditch effort can be jinxed because often one of the two is already emotionally divorced, she says.
Both people must make an effort for the marriage to succeed. Toiling at a relationship doesn't sound romantic but it takes effort and time to keep the connection going.
Statistics are sobering.
First marriages that end in divorce last about 8 years, according to the census bureau. One in twelve couples divorce after 24 months.
Seventy-five percent of all divorced people re-marry, half of them within three years. But 65% of all second marriages fail.
Marriages die because they are ignored to death. Couples disregard the warning signs, Lemme says. Partners let children, jobs and other commitments take time and attention away from each other.
"The relationship comes last" when it should come first, Lemme says.
When couples come for counseling she always asks when their last date was. Most times they can't remember.
It's crucial to set aside a couple hours a week to nurture the relationship, Lemme says. It doesn't have to involve money. It can be as simple as taking a walk together and talking about your week.
She likens a marriage to a plant. It takes attention, water and fertilizer to thrive. Without those things it dies.
Couples in trouble may think they're handling everything, believing that the stress and strain doesn't show but when couples come in for counseling it's usually easy to pick out which ones will end in divorce, she says. They aren't touching, communicating or showing affection. They lack intimacy and may even show a revulsion toward the other person.
It's at those times that the counseling session becomes less of a therapeutic situation and more of a divorce mediation.
It takes time, respect and commitment to preserve the union and both people must put in the effort.
Even so there are no guarantees that a marriage will survive. Still, don't give up without a fight.
"I urge everyone to try counseling. Many times couples will be wanting the same thing or saying the same thing but saying it in different ways," Wilka says. A counselor may be able to help them understand that.
Don't rely on a stoic outlook, Lemme says. "Don't wait until the problems are weighing you down. Seek help at the first sign that things aren't going right."
SOURCE: Dorene Weinstein, ArgusLeader.com
Post A Comment
Fields marked with an asterisk* are required. All HTML will be removed. A valid email is required but will never be published.
Shop With Us
Additional Resources
About SpicyGear.com
Help
